


You are not alone

by love_in_the_city



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Multi, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Romance, feelings talked, someone needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:35:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_in_the_city/pseuds/love_in_the_city
Summary: Zhengxi feels trapped with university, lost in his own insecurities, but he cant talk any of these with his boyfriends because he does not want to be a burden.
Relationships: He Tian & Mo Guanshan (19 Days), He Tian/Jian Yi (19 Days), He Tian/Jian Yi/Mo Guanshan/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days), He Tian/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days), Jian Yi/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Mo Guanshan/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	You are not alone

**Author's Note:**

> I love Zhengxi from the bottom of my heart, underneath the cool mask he puts on there is boy that just needs a hug.

Zhengxi untangled himself from limbs of arms and legs. The sun was entering the room, casting light on the bodies sleeping next to him. He was on the farther end, Jian Yi’s one arm and leg thrown over Zhengxi’s chest, other arm cuddling Mo to his side. Beside them, He Tian hugging Mo’s back, one arm over both Mo and Jian other hand barely reaching to touch Xi’s hair but still there. He sat on the edge of the bed, taking one last look at the pile of body on the bed, smiling to himself and heading to the bathroom. He sighed looking at his reflection in the mirror. He had dark circles under his eyes. He had not slept a single sleep last night, and the nights before that. He was tired. University work getting too hard on him, making him have hard time catching up. The catching up part didn’t worry him as much as not understanding the classes. But he was struggling, and he had never struggled with school work before. He was always careful, always working hard. Now, he was still working hard, but not getting anything back from his works. He was worried, losing sleep, working until late hours of the night, only to not be able to sleep at all when his head hit the pillows. He creased Jian’s hair, that soft blonde hair, hoping it would calm his nerves down. It did not. He wished that he could just sleep for few hours, because it was getting hard on him to keep up his act of being fine. At first it was easy, he could put on his act of being the calm, cold one. He went to class, came home and helped with the dishes, he worked, and before bed he played video games with the boys and after everyone went to bed he kept working. But now after a few weeks, the lack of sleep was catching up on him. It was showing on his face, the headaches making it hard to put up his act. Mo started cornering him, glaring at him when he tried to brush it off. He Tian’s soft touches started getting more frequent. The two of them were the least touchy one in the relationship. When they acted sweet with each other, it was usually just the two of them in the house. He realised they were catching up, but he was still successful in brushing them off. It was Jian Yi he could not run from. The blonde was aware of the slip of since day one. At first he just showed it in his eyes, making Xi know that he was aware of something being off. As days carried on, Jian Yi started making it more obvious. At breakfast he put more eggs on Xi’s plate, when they were playing video games he made sure Xi sat down between his legs, stroking his ear from time to time and whispering sweet things to his ear. Before going to bed he rubbed Xi’s shoulder and kissed his temple, telling him not to be late to bed. But for a week now, he was getting furious. There was no way Xi could hide anything from the other blonde. Even if he wanted to he could not, it would just slip from him. He hated worrying Jian. He hated making all of them worry, he was supposed to be the care giver in the relation not the end that received it. He was the one who made sure everyone was alright, even the tough looking He Tian. There was no specific rule that suggested that he had to be the one protecting them all, but he couldn’t help himself. He had to make sure the three of them were happy and safe. But Jian Yi, he was both his best friend and his lover and half of his soul and more. He Tian and Mo did have a relationship stronger than they did with himself and Jian Yi, they all knew that, but that did not bother any of them. Because at the end of the day, they all cared and loved each other. But it was obvious him and Yi had a different kind of connection. Maybe because they were their first everything, maybe because they loved each other since childhood. Therefore he could not outrun Jian. Its as if the boy felt every time Xi was hurting. He just had to make sure Jian did not tell the other two and it would be fine. He exited the bathroom, heading over to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. 

He was sitting on the couch going over his notes, one hand holding his coffee, when he felt arms snake around his waist. He turned his slightly to see a red head resting on his shoulders. It was rare Mo would show this much affection especially this early in the morning. “You alright?” he asked trying to keep worry out of his voice. “Mhhmm” the red said kissing his cheek. “And you?” he asked looking Xi in the eyes. Xi saw the worry in those eyes. Carefully searching his face as if he can find the answers there. “Of course” Xi said gently bumping his head to the others. He heard the others enter the room. “Mo, breakfast.” Jian screamed. Mo rolled his eyes, “Tell your boyfriend to not order me around” he said jokingly, “He is your boyfriend now” Xi said. Mo shook his head mumbling yeah I know and entered the kitchen to make Jian breakfast. He Tian sat next to him on the couch, a coffee in his own hand. “Need a ride today?” he asked taking a sip. Xi looked at his face, He Tian never asked him if he wanted a ride, he knew Xi would rather walk than make He Tian carry him anywhere. This was his way of asking if he was alright and he was there to help. Xi shook his head, “I will walk” he said. “No you wont.” He looked up; Jian was standing at the door, a bowl in his hand. Xi raised one eyebrow in curiosity. “I did not realise you made decisions for me” he said before he could stop himself. He was tired and all the attention being on him was frustrating him. He heard He Tian sigh next to him. He knew he shouldn’t have said what he just said. He closed his eyes afraid to open them and see a sad looking Jian Yi. But when he looked at the blondes face, he just saw a blank, emotionless face. The same to match his own. Jian Yi shrugged. “Fine” he said sitting down on the floor and eating his food. Xi ran a hand through his hair. His frustration growing on him. He got up, and headed to his room to change. They all had separate rooms, but usually slept all four of them on Tian’s bed. He put on whatever he got his hands on first, packing his back and rushing out the door. Just before he could close the door, he felt a small hand on his wrist. He sighed turning around. Jian got out with him, closing the door behind him. “You are barefoot” Xi said. Jian cupped his face, looking gently into his eyes. If he was hurt before he did not show. Jian leaned in slowly, locking their lips in a small kiss. It was short but sweet. “I love you” Jian said. He said that quite often, and it made Xi’s insides melt every time. “ I know you are not sleeping, and not eating and you are constantly staying up and you are worried but please don’t push me away. I want to be there for you.” Xi felt tears form in his eyes, I am just tired that’s why he thought to himself. But Yi’s words were hitting him hard. Jian Yi pulled him to his chest, hugging him; he got on his toes and pressed his mouth close to Xi’s ear. “I love you, we all do, you are enough, you do so much for everyone, and you are enough” he said softly. Xi let out a shuddered breath not being able to catch the tear slipping down from his cheek. He hugged Jian harder and hid his face to his neck. He heard the front door open, Mo getting out and crushing into the hugging pair. “What on earth is this, stop crowding my front door, Jian put on shoes you will get sick” he said. Jian Yi pulled back kissing Xi softly on the lips one last time. He turned around and kissed Mo on the lips as well. Mo let his eyes close and relax into the kiss. When they pulled back, he hit Jian’s head softly telling him to get inside and put on some shoes. Xi smiled at the two. “Wanna walk with me?” Mo asked but was already walking, Xi caught up to him, both of them talking about this and that until they reached Mo’s work. Xi dropped him off and continued to his classes. He couldn’t shake the weird feeling he was having. The way Jian Yi talked, the way He Tian offered to drive him and Mo showing affection, crossing his boundaries just for him. He felt a warm feeling spread through his body. He knew all of them cared for him, but was never the receiving end of the care. There were times when his insecurity hit, thinking maybe he was the odd one in the relationship. After all, all three of them showed their affection one way or the other. But Xi kept it to himself. He was never touchy, or hugged the boys except if it was Jian Yi and that was an exception. He sometimes wondered if they would be better when he was not there. Lost in thoughts he realised he was already in front of his building. Sighing he entered, he really did not want to go through this class today, in fact he didn’t want to go through it any day. 

He felt tears stinging his eyes, his headache painful enough to split open his forehead. He was the last to leave the class, walking down the stairs slowly when he spotted that familiar black hair. He Tian was casually leaning on the rails at the bottom of the stairs, cigarette hanging off his lips. He smiled when he spotted Xi, pushing himself of where he was leaning. Xi scolded when he reached to him. If it were any other day, he at least would not scold to show his gratitude, but this wasn’t any other day and he was not in the mood. “You don’t seem to be happy to see me” He Tian said playfully. “I’m not” Xi said looking away. “Hmm” said Tian, nodding his head. Then he started walking, naturally knowing Xi would follow him. He did, he cursed himself for being weak. When they reached Tian’s car he pulled the door open for Xi. Sighing he got in. He Tian got in as well, taking one last, long look at his face. Xi turned his face towards the window, trying to hide his reddened eyes. He Tian started driving, both of them staying quite. After a while he realised they weren’t going home. He must have zoned out, he turned towards Tian. “Where we going?” he asked. He Tian just looked at his face and didn’t say a word. In frustration he slumped back. “I don’t like surprises” he said. “You don’t like anything Xi its fine” Tian said, face still kept straight. His headache was getting stronger now. He just wanted to go home and sleep, he wished he actually could sleep. He felt his hands started to shake. He put them under his tights, so Tian did not realise the shaking of them. After a few minutes He Tian pulled to a stop. Xi looked out of the window, they were parked near a lake, a small yet bright blue lake was shimmering underneath the setting sun, the last rays of the sun illuminating the top of the trees. It was beautiful, he bit his lip. He felt like he could cry at the sight in front of him. Taking a small breath to steady himself he turned around, only to see Tian staring back at him, hands still gripping the wheel, as if he wasn’t sure he would want to stay. One negative comment from him and he would turn the car around, driving home in full speed. He realised his breathing quickened, not really knowing why. He was there, in a peaceful place, with Tian. He should be relaxed, but he couldn’t. His mind rushing for no reason. Realising, Tian slowly reached his hand towards him, stopping just close to his face. He wasn’t sure if he could touch him. Xi was straddled by his own sound of hiccups. He hadn’t realised he was crying. He felt weak; he wanted to leave the car. He tried opening the door but it was locked. He felt Tian grab his wrist. “Xi” he said softly. “Xi look at me please” he did look then because it was rare that Tian begged for things, except when he was teasing them. “Talk to me” he said softly, hand still holding the grip on his wrist. Xi shook his head, he could not, he would sound pathetic. He Tian touched his face, slowly tilting his chin up to make eye contact. Xi could not look, he launched forward and buried his face in the others neck. “Its too much, I am tired, I want to sleep and I hate being weak. I hate that I am struggling, I hate that it makes me weak” he said, not being able to help himself stop. Shhh whispered Tian to his hair, kissing the top of his head. “You are not weak Xi, it is something different, university is hard, but you try and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to be. At the end you gave it all you got and tried your best.” He pulled Zhengxi a little closer to his body. “Why don’t you speak to us? Hmm? We are always there for you talk to us.” Xi sighed. “I cant” he said, face cringing on his own words. Tian pulled him back then, looking carefully in his eyes. He tried to turn his face but his chin was held in a tight grip by Tian. “I’m sorry” Xi said crying harder now. He could not stop the tears. Tian wiped the new ones slipping down his cheeks. “Tell me” he said softly, Xi sighed. He had to tell him, he deserved to know. “I don’t want to be a burden. I like taking care of all three of you, but I don’t want my problems to be a burden on all of you. And I- and, ugh” he said shaking his head. “What is it Xi?” “And I sometimes feel like you three will be better without me” he said in one breath. He Tian gasped. Xi cringed again. He tried to get away but Tian held his grip around his face. “Xi, listen to me now. We love you, we would not be better off without you. You are not a burden listen to me. I will tell this to you every day if that’s what it takes. You are important to us.” Xi bit his lip, he knew that, he just couldn’t help the feeling sometimes. He sighed pulling back; Tian did let him go this time. “Can we go home?” Tian nodded, leaning in to leave a kiss on the others lips. Pulling away a little, “I love you” he whispered to those lips. Xi smiled, truly smiled at that. Seeing that unforced smile on the others face, He Tian relaxed a little, taking Xi’s hand in his hand as he drove them back home. 

The flat was weirdly quite. Usually when Mo and Jian were alone, it would be a war zone in there. When the two entered the living room, hand in hand, they found the other two cuddled, watching a movie. “What?” Mo shouted at them, when he realised they were staring. Jian’s eyes wondered between the two of them, eyebrows rising a little when he made eye contact with Tian. Then he shrugged and went back to the movie. Xi knew the other two wanted to ask questions but they were holding themselves back. It was cute, it made him smile. “There is food in the kitchen, eat” Mo said in a stern voice. “Yes sir” Tian said and pulled him to the kitchen. Tian fed him pieces of chicken, he did not say a word about it. For once he wanted to let go. He knew He Tian would take care of him. He gently leaned on the taller ones chest, burying his nose. Tian wrapped his arms around him and lifted him up. It looked like he was carrying a piece of log. “Bed time come one” he screamed to the living room. He laid Xi on the bed, stripping his clothes off of him. He tucked Xi in bed, getting behind him and wrapping his arms around his torso. Xi felt the other side of the bed dip as well. Felt Jian push himself to the little space of his chest, one hand touching his ear. To that Xi smiled. Mo got behind Jian and buried his face on the crook of the other neck. Xi felt hot breath on his ear that was held by Jian. “You matter to us, you are not a burden we love you” Tian said. Xi sighed and smiled, nodding, not sure if any of them can see it. “What?” he heard Mo say, clearly surprised at the words that were spoken. “XiXi feels like he is a burden on us, that’s why he hides stuff” Jian said, pulling at his ear. “What?” Mo said a bit louder, a hint of anger in his voice. “How do you know that?” Xi asked without opening his eyes because he knew if he did Jian would be staring right back at him and he could not hold himself if he would meet the others eyes. He did not want to cry one more time. Jian shrugged, pulling at his ear again, “Because you are an idiot” he said so casually. Mo huffed, “Yeah, a big one” he said, sounding less angry now. He felt one of Tian’s big hands cover his eyes. “Sleep now” he said kissing his temple. Jian kissed his cheek “I love you” he said so quietly, just for him to hear. “Idiot” Mo muttered. Xi felt happy, he knew it would take a bit of time but he would be alright with his boys by his side.


End file.
